I was raised in a strict Christian household and lived with my grandmother and mother. How could I be condemned to Hell for loving the wrong way? But even at 14, I knew I didn’t totally believe him. Gay people are an abomination and are going to Hell if they don’t get right with God.” These statements led to countless hours of reflection, and a terrifying fear that God might strike me down at any moment.

But you also have to spread the word of God and tell them the truth. In church, the pastor would say, “I know you love your sons.

It wasn’t just the school locker room where I heard homophobic remarks. At my school, the very place that I first observed queer curiosity, I was scared to come out, fearing my own physical and emotional safety. I wondered if I could share my desires with some of them, but the fear of being called a “faggot” stopped me. I would see guys touch each other’s private parts and call them “faggots.” I was alone and horribly confused. In actuality, the same boy that touched the boy in the locker room, later called him a “faggot” in the hallway. In the corner of the locker room, and still in the closet, I felt a moment of joy: What if I wasn’t alone? What if there were other boys that felt the same way I did? Off to the side or in the background, I often overheard boys say things like “nice dick” and “you got a hairy ass.” At one point, I saw a boy playfully touch a classmate. And I can tell you I was not the only one looking. Curious, I couldn’t help but glance at some of them while they changed. My high school locker room completely bewildered me-a small space full of sweaty boys, constantly fighting, and pulling each other’s pants down.

I was quiet and observant, and I didn’t yet know if I should, or could, act on those emotions. I was 14, just starting high school at an all-boys public school in the Bronx, when I began to feel a strong physical attraction to other boys.

Vintage gay teen scat